Watching My Life : Further musings on the "Purpose" of Life

Once upon a time , I was 7 years old. Then one day , I turned 8 years old . My folks hung balloons and ribbons all around the house. Uncles with their hanging bellies and aunties with their hanging jewelleries came down in large numbers.They looked at me , ruffled my hair which irritatated me a lot and said the same old "rishtedaari" special pleasantries.( kitna bada ho gaya hai munnu ! chota sa tha jab last dekha tha ..godi mein susu karta tha).As if they did their respective "susu" at the White House when they were kids.

Anyways , these guys kept giggling , ate a lot of food and forced me to perform a modern day "mujra" wherein I was made to sing n dance to "papa kehte hai bada naam karega..." along with my pesky cousins . Though with my front two teeth missing at that time , I may have looked a shade less charming than Aamir Khan .Anyways , it was a very soul disturbing experience for me and I almost sued the guests for child exploitation.

But when these guys left , they left behind some good stuff too along with the dirty utensils : the birthday gifts. And one of the gifts was this boardgame called LIFE.For those of you who are not aware about it , you got a better option than bathing in the sea of ignorance , go to this link - http://boardgamecentral.com/games/life.html.

So what happened in this game was that you were allotted a coloured piece which travelled along a curvy path on the board .The number of slots he moved ahead depended on the roll of a wheel ,like the ones they have in those kathmandu casinos. You moved along the board doing all the life stuff , becoming a doctor , engineer ,gangster etc etc ; marrying , divorcing , raising kids ,taking bank loans , buying houses , you even got this salary via a toy version of the American currency. I recall trying to sneak a few extra notes from the box while my cousin was rolling the wheel.

Lately I have started viewing my actual life as just a bigger version of this game.I am just a piece like that in the game , who's just rolling along the boardgame of life. The difference being that on which slot I land ain’t exactly decided by a rolling wheel, but largely by my choice and effort. And just like the game , one day god will decide he’s had enough fun with this guy , and would pick me off the board n toss in the box .And all the currency notes , bank loans , the houses I won during the game , would remain back on the board , to be played with by the other guys.

And this makes me view my life in a rather dis-engaged way.I don't exactly go gaga with my so called achievements, which anyways can be counted on the fingers of a man with a missing hand. And neither do I plunge to the depths of despair with my failures and problems , which can be counted on more than the fingers of your hands , toes and the rest of your body. Its like nothing in this world seems to affect me too much.Its like I don’t know what I want to achieve , what I want to possess.

I feel like a toddler who has been left to play on the floor of Bombay Stock Exchange of yore.I see people yelling , excited , angry , racing to get somewhere and wonder whats it all about . Sometimes I feel I want to earn a lot of money and spend my life with Angelina Jolie on my left arm and Salma Hayek on the right , and swap their places after every 30 minutes.Then I feel i want to spend my life in my room with the AC on , munching on tomato flavored wafers and watching HBO, AXN and Star Movies,and that too on a 42 inch LCD TV. A little later , I see my life's purpose in setting up some NGO and serving the needy. What do i want out of life ? Is there any purpose at all of this entire life thing or are we just trying to have a good time ? Have all you guys figured out what you want in life ?

Tell me..

Some guy said, "you can't be lost if you don't know where you are going". Now it makes sense.

Where's my PURPOSE, Dude ?

Time : 8:24 am
Day : Sunday
Place : Home
A more precise place : On my bed .
State of mind : Just got up . Any use of words with violent , sexual or abusive connotations is due to great hunger resulting from no dinner, a lack of breakfast and a shoulder pain resulting from the awkward position I slept in .

First of all , I am not sad . I have a decent career taking off – just finished my CA Final exams & hoping to pass (cross my fingers), a family I love , friends I love, and the barking dogs in my housing society that I am beginning to love So it would take a fully loaded nuclear attack and a couple of Himesh Reshammiya's CDs to make me feel sad .
On a related note , I just saw the video of Adnan Sami’s latest song on MTV . The guy is crying lakes in the video . I had this urge to actually reach into the screen , wipe his face with a tissue and say "Na munna na , sab theek ho jayega ."

But even though I am not sad , I have a little thought nibbling on me this morning . The more I live , the more I realise two things . First , I still don't have a 'purpose' in my life . And second , now that I have lived some more , I have lesser time to find that purpose .It is like 5 years back I was "Chill yaar . I am only 18 . Only God Buddha found a purpose in life at that age." But Now I am like "Umm . I am almost 23 . And I think I will find a bigger meaning in life right after a little nap. "

Sure , I have phases of 'being driven' in my life . Like I wake up and say 'Right . Today I will call the Hutch Customer care people and tell them they should be looting banks in masks and not calling themselves a telecom service provider for all the scary things they are doing to my connection'. So, little purposes about getting my cell connection up , analysing the high revenue increase of the company I am auditing, ironing my shirt for the next day and such micro sized things dot my day. But there is nothing which connects all these dots and makes me say, " Oh right . Now all the things that seemed stupid and mundane to me make sense". I don't have a purpose which unites all the things I do and drives me and makes me say "Oh yeah , so this is what it was all about".

In fact , that's the problem bugging me right now . I don't know what's it all about .

I keep thinking for how long will this continue ? Will I ever be able to figure out what I want to do ? Am I supposed to figure it out ? How ?
Does everyone realise their “purpose” & go about achieving it, or do they just live their lives & whatever they do is their “purpose” ? It’s all so confusing. Am I alone in this mess ?

Maybe there isn't supposed to be a purpose , a bigger meaning in life . Just live , have fun , eat good chinese/italian/indian/any food , watch movies , and of course , there are my barking dogs.

Starting a Sunday with such things which would beat a well with their depth is not a great idea . I can almost imagine Lord Buddha sitting up there on a cloud and shaking his head and telling me "Take it easy kid . It's Sunday after all . You know what that means for a working chap ? So gulp some sandwiches and a hot coffee and flip on FTV and everything will make sense ." Amen.

The Emperor Strikes Again

And I’m back. Bring on the shenanigans, orchestra, belly-dancers, and lets start the party !

I was away for 4 months & nothing much has changed in the world. Lets view the major happenings while I was on leave. This will strictly include only the things that interest me, to the blatant exclusion of everything else.. let’s see

Federer wins Australian open without losing a set. He is just stamping his authority over the tennis world. The rest of the players are just fighting for second place.

Guru releases & Amitabh goes over the top in praising Abhishek. He even got congratulatory messages printed in leading entertainment dailies! Most of it read that it is a father’s proudest moment when a son surpasses him.
First, I think Abhishek did not surpass his father by doing Guru.
Second, well, I guess Jaya Bachchan also would have a hand (and more) in Abhishek being such a good actor (!!). As far as I remember, she was considered a better actor than Amitabh when both were at their peak.

Filmfare Awards happen – these being the worst ever in all these years. I have already written a post on it, so wont elaborate. Oh & yes, Ash was nominated in the Best Actress category for Dhoom

The World wakes up to Global Warming. Finally !! How do they suddenly say that only 8 years are left before the glaciers will melt, average temperatures will zoom, water will be in grave shortage? Where were these warnings 20 years back saying that just 25 years are left ! The fact is that nothing can be done now. We can only marginally reduce the impact, BUT DEFINITELY CANNOT stop or reverse Global Warming. Welcome to a dying world.

Australia win the world cup. Without losing a game. Without being stretched or close to being stretched in any game. Without needing their last 5 players to bat in any game. Mcgrath takes 26 wickets, is declared man of the series, retires. Hayden scores 650 odd runs. Gilly makes the highest score in a World Cup Final. Why did they win? I guess – Because they showed up !

Namastey London is the Biggest hit of the year till May. It has been a bad, bad year for movies after a bumper 2006. Bollywood has definitely not Lage Raho-ed in the same fashion. Lets hope the summer brings some relief.

Britney goes Bonkers! She shaves her head and then covers it up with wigs – those too very tacky n cheap looking. She goes out partying wearing stuff with extremely high hemlines & well, does not wear any underwear. Thank god her kids are too young to see mama’s photographs.

Undertaker wins at WrestleMania to make it 15-0. He has been unbeaten at WrestleMania for the last 15 years. Probably a record that will stay unbroken.

My Guest Writer – remains more a guest & less a writer. Worst part is that I paid her in advance, so its money down the drain. On the bright side, she had promised to perform favours for me “physically”. I was looking forward to it until I realized it meant helping me lose weight by making me go jogging every morning!

I guess that’s it … Nothing else was interesting to me or maybe I missed out coz I did not read the papers or see the news much. Aah yes, the AbhiAsh wedding. So much has already been written on it. Adding my two words would be like pouring a packet of Tata salt into the ocean – pointless !


Anyways, talking about what I did in the 4 months. Well, among lots n lots of other things, I studied. For what people call the biggest exam in my life . . . . Till Now.
8 papers in 9 days. Believe me, its Gang-rape.

1st paper – 4 hours of sleep. Only attempted 68 marks. Passing is 40. I need 50 (for reasons too difficult to describe. For people in the know, its for “aggregate”)
2nd paper – 4 hours of sleep. Screwed up. Forgot stuff I am supposed to remember. “Aggregate” wala problem again.
3rd paper – 4 hours of sleep. Plus had a Sunday to study. Still did not finish the portion. Left some chapters. Paper was decent. (Finally!)
4th paper – 3 hours of sleep. Did not even remotely complete the portion. Paper was meaningless. Simple. Regretted not having slept more.
5th paper – 4 hours of sleep. Feel tired. The things that I had left came as a compulsory question. Donation of 20 marks. Remaining 80 marks manageable. I am satisfied.
6th paper – 5 hours of sleep. Paper ok.
7th paper – 2 hours of sleep. Exhausted. Paper fairly ok. Glad its over
8th paper – No sleep. Still left loads in the portion. Don’t remember anything. Scared. Shitting bricks. Ass on fire. Etc. Paper manageable, surprisingly. Hand shaking while writing the paper. Itching to get to the last question.

Exams over . . . . . FINALLY. A free bird. What do I do ?
SLEEP.
(more later)