Do you see a Steven Speilberg in me ? A Sanjay Leela Bhansali ? Abe dhyaaan se dekh ! Accha I will come a little down , do you see a Mahesh Bhatt in me ? I think you do not. No one does. Not my mom , not my dad , not my dentist , not my professors , not my friends. No one. But when I see in the mirror , I see a couple of oscars sticking out of my ears and six filmfare awards resting on the top of my head. I really think I can be a biggy director some day. And this desire of mine has nothing to do with the casting couch….. Ok, it has a little to do with it.
And I have been working hard to be a director too. I have watched a mega number of hindi movies , belonging to the "churidaars-tight pants-eastmancolor" 1960s , the "bell bottoms-angry young man-smugglers" 1970s , the "disco-trying to be western-more disco" 1980s and the "overacting-shahrukh-chocolate-underworld" 1990s .And dad says , everything teaches you something.
I have been writing down some "this-surely-works" formulae which have been adopted universally across the hindi fillum industry.Now I hate to share some of these "faaarmulaaas" unearthed after "Barson kee mehnat" of watching movies.But then I guess you anyways do not have a steven speilberg in you to make any use of these.
-- >>The hero falls off a balcony , or slips in the bathroom , or is beaten by some goons and has to be hospitalised. The little red bulb over the "operation theatre" sign flips on. The heroine and the hero's parents are waiting outside with the looks of constipated camels. The little red bulb goes off , a tired looking doctor comes out , slips the stethoscope off his ears .Then , according to formula no.49 , the doctor should say " Hum ne unhe to bacha liya.But unkee yaddashht jaa chuki hai ." Common cold may be common in real life , but "yaddasht khona" is the commonest in reel life.
-- >>The extra goons are shot at by the hero , they die instantly as instant coffee. Not a sound. Just a little yell and they drop to the floor. One of the good guys is shot at. Then according to formula no.8 , he falls to the floor. Then someone rushes upto the dying person. He takes the dying person's head in his lap and shouts at the top of his voice "Main tumhe marne naheeeee dunga ! Main tumhe haaaspital le jaungaaa!". The dying guy asks him to shut up and then croons a proper three minute farewell speech where he asks the other dude to take care of his sister , girlfriend and dogs. And then the good guy dies. But take note , he would never die with closed eyes. His eyes would remain open. This allows the other guy to close the dead guy's eyes gently and break down with some heartrending music in the background.
-- >>The heroine's pink "dupatta" is caught in a gust of breeze and blows away smoothly. Now technically , this dupatta may get caught in the electricity cables above or land in a pile of cowdung or land in a public toilet or land on gulshan grover , but rule no.15 says , that it will keep flying poetically till it descends magically and wraps itself around the hero. Some real aviation fundaas at work there.
-- >>The hero has been hospitalised.The doctor has mouthed the customary "Inhe dawa naheee , duaa kee zarurat hai".Now the formula number 62 kicks in. The hero would have a Sardaar buddy , a muslim buddy , a christian buddy and a white saree clad mom. The sardaar would run off to his gurdwara , the muslim to masjid , the christian to church and the mommy to a temple , preferably Mata ka mandir. The mommy will yell something like "Tum mera beta mujhse naheen cheen sakti" and proceed to slam her forehead against the temple's main bell repeatedly. And amongst shots of a praying sardaar , muslim , christian and a ketchup-on-my-forehead mommy ,our sonny hero would sleepily open his eyes and whisper "Ma".I think this formula needs more research.It holds mind blowing potential for medical science.
-- >> The hero meets with an "accident" , and his body goes missing , or maybe you find a body which is charred beyond recognition. But a watch is found on the body which makes his mother identify the body as that of her son and then faint. According to rule no 81 , after a few years , the hero will appear with a beard , right on the day when the heroine is going to be married to another guy. So the heroine should promise to marry a second guy , but she would not have to , because the missing hero is going to appear in tattered clothes , on that very day anyways. So the moral of the story - if the body aint found , or maybe found as burnt as a burnt sandwich , he is not dead.
-- >> The hero is a little kid still. His dad is a school teacher , named something like Master Deenanath. Everything can go on smoothly .The hero can grow up and his dad can be go on to be the school principal. But formula no.25 says otherwise. The very fact that dad is a "Imaandaar" school teacher makes it imperative that the dad would die. He would most probably stand up against some big builders who want to raze down the school and build a five star hotel there. And then the goons come home and murder mr.daddy and mrs.mommy while our little hero hides behind the flower pots and makes a mental note of the killer's faces. He has to ,after all , grow up and avenge his folks’ killings .But that will happen right at the climax.
Well , there are some 838273 more of these in my "filllum faaaarmoola notebook". But I cant type in more. Got to go and sign up Shahrukh for my first movie. And sacchi bata yaar, don’t you see a director in me ? Dhyan se dekh na !