Monday, September 25, 2006

Bollywood Classroom - III

Wanna make your own movie ?
Follow my class & you'll be adept at adopting the bollywood "faarmoola". Here's another session


The hero's sister invariably has her modesty outraged. She seldom lasts beyond a few scenes and in rarest cases lives to see the end of the film. If there is ever a poignant scene highlighting the brother-sister relationship, it is a clear indicator of the sister's soon to follow death.

Most said dialogues by sisters
Mein tumhare bachhe ki maa ban ne wali hoon (mostly to the villain, or the villain's son, brother)

Mere bhaiya ko lambi umar dena, bhagwan

Mere bhai pe koi aanch na aye

Khabardar jo mujhe chhua bhi, main apni jaan dey doongi (death occurs most deifinitely 5 minutes after this scene. Mostly a suicide after attempted/successful rape by villain or his cronies)

Bhaiyya, tum mere liye ek pyaari si bhabhi kab laaonge

Main kissi ko muh dikhane layak nahi rahi

Bhagwaan ke liye, meri suhaag mat ujaado

Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do


The father is normally a symbol of outright pathos, either cringing to the worldly demands of having unmarried daughters or the burden of having a violent son with little ambition beyond rotating around trees. If the father is an honest, upright citizen - he is shot in the first few frames by the villain who has little use for his moralities

Common dialogues
Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain

Agar toonay aisa kiya toh - mujhse burra koi nahin hogaaa

Ek baar iske haath pile kar doon, phir mein chain se mar sakta hoon

Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein

Beti to paraya dhan hai.

Mere jeeteji yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti.

Main jald hi dahez ki sari rakam chuka doonga

Yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib

Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe

Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha ?

Main kahta hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey


Any widow in a Hindi film is a mother. Anyone marrying a character actor in the beginning of the film and bearing two children is sure to be widowed. The sons thereafter are likely to grow up to be the main protagonists. Sewing machine is her favourite timepass tool and she will
always make halwa for her son.

Common dialogues
Mera Raja beta

Mera ashirwad sada tere saath hai.

Tujhe ek maa ki aah lagegi

Mera beta aisa kabhi nahin kar sakta.

Mera beta teri maut bankar aayega, thakur!

Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta...

Mere bete ki raksha karna prabhu

Kya apni maa ki baat nahi maanega?

Mera achha beta, jaldi se dudh peekar bada ho jaa.

Is budhi maa ka tumhare siwa aur kaun hai?

Mere Raja bete ko aaj mein apne haaton se khilaaongi

Hey bhagwan, mere suhaag ki raksha karna

Maine tere liye gajar ka halwa banaya hai

Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..

Mar, Mar isse betay, isse ne tere Devata jaise pita ka khoon kiya


The most nasal voice in the cast belongs to the mother-in-law. She has usually got a dead husband, or one who gives 'henpecked' new dimensions. She specialises in kicking the heroine / hero's sister / bhabhi while she is sweeping the floor. She seldom dies, but always gets her come-uppance in the end when her husband, after years of ayurveda and yoga regains his lost vitality, insults her in public and forces her into submission.

Common dialogues
Chudeil! Kide pade tere .....

Tere baap ke bheje huey iss sari ka too kya karegi. Chal, mujhe dey

Ey Chudail, ab kaha se mooh kala karke aayee hain?

Aah Haa Haa, Maharani, waha baithey baithey kya kar rahi hain

Arri Kalmoohi, Kaha mar gayi

Eh Kulta, tere baap ne ab tak dahej ki rakam nahin chukayi

The last session will cover villains, doctors & the law among other things.
Watch this space ! !

Thought for the day:
Sometimes i wish that i had never met you, so i could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there. (for someone special !)

Monday, September 18, 2006

Live ... Today.

One man after having lost all his wealth prayed to God and got a boon that from dawn to dusk on the following day, whatever land he covers by running, can be owned by him.

The man started running at dawn & kept running even after he had covered more than he lost. He refused to heed his body’s pleas for rest & food. By evening he felt dizzy and weak.
In the distance he saw a river flowing. He was very happy at the thought of owning a river. So he decided to stop running once he reaches the river. Just as the sun was about to set, he reached the river.

As soon as he bent down to sip some water – his first drops of water of the day – he dropped dead of exhaustion.

“Spiritual Quotient” in Economic Times dated September 14, 2006 say that this is how we lead our lives. We run the race without even stopping to think why we are running. We travel thinking “what next” all the time. It further goes on to say that we will run till we drop dead in our grave.

Traveling from more to more is only traveling towards our grave. It is slow death. It can never be life.

It is possible to satisfy our needs, but it becomes impossible to satisfy our wants. Every time one want is fulfilled, another many come up. Always, as long as we are chasing something, it seems that it is worth the whole world. But after we get it, somehow it is not that important any longer. Think about it. It’ll stand true in almost all circumstances.

So, never think – “let me work now, I can enjoy later”. I tell you, it will never happen.

Every Tomorrow comes in the form of Today only.

So, don’t postpone living. Celebrate – its NOW or NEVER.

P.S. Of course, the last few line do not apply to everyone studying for Chartered Accountancy examinations. You all better postpone "living" – otherwise life will become a living HELL. HA !

Thought for the day:

Sex is NOT the answer. Sex is the question. YES ! is the answer.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Bollywood Classroom - II

Hello readers. We continue with our Bollywood Classroom.
Those who have started reading now are advised to read the post below.

Ok, then. Hop on the Fun Ride.


The Hero is the person who gets the woman in the end and kills everyone with moles on their faces. The hero shaves, drinks, drives, gesticulates and picks several fights. He normally has a mother who seldom has a lover. He may have a moustache, but never has a beard, unless he is in disguise or utter poverty. He delivers his lines with minimum style, and except for those lines in which he grimaces, he is totally stone-faced. If the hero has a comic side to him, he says very little of consequence in the entire film and does not die in the end.

Common dialogues mouthed by HEROES include :

Tere saamne teri maut khadi hai

Kuttay !!

Tumhare liye meri jaan bhi haazir hai

Mere paas meri mari maa ka ashirwad hai.

Apne Aaadmiyon se kaho ki bandookein phhek de

Dunyaki koi takat hame juda nahi kar sakti

Mere hotey huay tumhara koi baal bhi baaka nahin kar sakta

Yeh meri maa keh Kangan hai

Maa, mujhe Ashirwad de

Khabardaar joe Usse haat bhee lagaya

Tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...

Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu....

Mere paas maa hai !

Nahin . . tu mera bhai nahi ho sakta. Tune maa ka dil dukhaaya hai . .


The heroine is the stupidest of all Hindi film characters. She normally settles for a man with no class, and even lesser money. She is usually a lot younger and seriously better looking than the hero, even when the hero is the kind whose insipid persona leaves nothing but the looks to matter. Her father is either ridiculously rich or pathetically poor. Any heroine who starts the film in short skirts ends it in sarees. One who doesn't is the vamp.

Common dialogues include :

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chod do

Hato. Tum bade woh ho


Mein tumhare bagair nahin reh sakti

Paapa, main sirf usi se shaadi karrongi jise main pasand karti hoon

Maa ne tumhe ghar bulaya hai

Main usse pyar karti hoon

Humne pyar kiya hai koi gunah nahin

Kuchh goonde mere pichhe pade hai

Baar baar mera pichha kyon karte ho

Koi Dekh Lega

Maine tumhe kya samjha, aur tum kya nikley!

psshhh psshh gusshhh (whispering in the HERO's ears - stands for "im pregnant")

Oh... how i loved these movies ... Fanatstic dialogues.

End of this session.
More to follow in the coming sessions.

Thought for the day
We walk away from our dreams afraid we may fail, or worse yet, afraid we may succeed.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bollywood "Formula" Classroom - I

Bollywood movies these days are said to be moving away from the ubiquitous "formula".
What is this FORMULA ... Well, it was present in all movies about 2-3 years back and still is used to make many movies. Only some go away from the "Formula". Guts ! !

Anyways, i am going to write a series of posts regarding the Bollywood Formula, its contents, the dialogues involved in such a movie . . basically, the works. Here's the first session.

If you are aspiring to strike a career in the Bollywood, be it a director, script writer or even penning dialogues, this section will be very helpful to you for it contains the scenes
and dialogues which every film has and you cannot afford to miss it !!

Some of the here may be rather sexist, chauvinistic, supercilious, vapid, racist, tasteless, offensive and emotionally backward, but we have to be slightly sober for censorship reasons and cannot show Hindi films in their full crowning glory


Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain , and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he
has a heroine)

If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes / heroines will die or take off to foreign country at the end of the movie.

If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes

Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.

The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot

When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never miss run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die)

Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of pots, barrels, glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by the brothers their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.

There will always be one song in which heroine is scantily dressed and singing in rain.

There will always be one rape scene

End of Session 1.

Post Script: Too bad not all movies these days are made like the ones earlier. I'm all for revival of the Great Formula ! Amen.

In the comin sessions, the following will be discussed:-
Hero's sister

Keep Reading.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Funny !

Hey, i was recently surfing the web and came across this site . Its full of quotes & anecdotes on a variety of topics.

Me, being me, chose to view the "humour" quotes. All of them were fantastic. But, i came across this list which i have to share with you. Here goes . . .

Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal,
where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote
because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What
good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell
would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to
the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been
anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it,
couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone
ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

Funny, right.
Well, here's something even funnier from the same site .

In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Enjoyed ?
Keep reading my blog !

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Two cups & a coffee machine

The vision of two cups and a coffee machine is still fresh in my mind. It was New Year's Eve & I was totally dejected because my plans with my pals for New Year's Eve partying had not worked out. But later I discovered the cause for my dejection was a blessing in disguise. She invited me to spend the last 2 hours of the year with her. I did so, only to please myself - I would not be home on New Year's, atleast.

With 2 cups of coffee on that cold night, she came to me like an angel. Throughout my teenage life, I partied on New Year's Eve. But this time, I talked. And believe me,. it was the BEST time. We talked about life. Her life & my life. And I realised she was just like me. Searching for some one to love her. Someone she could be proud of. Someone who would listen to her, even when what she was sayin wasn't making any sense. Someone who would just be there.
Every time. Always. Forever.

It was strange in the first place to be with her in such a situation. Not uncomfortable, not at all, but very different.

There is a very thin line between friendship & love. And it felt like we were on the verge of crossing that line. I didn't know what to do. We were running out of words. Finally we opened up our feelings and talked freely about it.

And boy!! It was one of a kind conversation. I was certain I liked her and to be honest, I was damn sure she liked me too. She almost said it to me that night. But some things are not meant to be. No matter how you feel about each other. No matter how much you believe it's going to be good between you two. Some things are exceptions. They have to be.

Nobody tells you what to do. You just know what to do. If you care enough to listen to that little thing inside you, you'll know what's the best thing to do.
And we knew what was right for us.

This is a very small incident of two cups & a coffee machine, but such incidents teach you lessons for a lifetime.

I can never forget that night. No matter how hard I try.
Soon, I realised my coffee had gone dead cold. Quickly i sipped it & the clock struck 12.

We wished each other a happy new year and began to alight. It suddenly felt like I was alone in a new world filled with strangers. We walked in opposite directions. Something made me stop & turn back. I did so, only to find her turn back at that very moment.
Our eyes met. The gleam in her eyes seemed to convey to me something indefinable & spoke out everything she did not.

I wanted to run towards her & hug her tightly.

Instead, I turned back and walked away.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Alvida ? Sure.

KANK – I liked it. Period.

I can watch the trailor of the movie & pretty much decide whether I’ll like it or not. KANK proved me wrong. Just about.

I had seen the trailor. I had hated the trailor.

The same New York locations as 50 other movies. SRK gives us the same facial expressions as he’s given for the last 15 years. Everyone mouths the same emotional, tear jerking, melodramatic dialogues. Everyone’s crying. Everyone’s rich.
I was pretty much sure I wouldn’t like the movie one bit.

I saw the movie this weekend. Quite late, & just because 2 of my friends whose movie judgement I trust told me to watch it & guaranteed that I’ll like it. They know me well, is all I can say.

So, here goes my KANK review. Yes, I’m late – but ki fark pendah?

The movie’s basic premise is great. Karan Johar has come of age & has made a movie which is not all candy floss & romance. He’s come close to real life & it passes as a decent effort.

Johar has dealt with the topic with formidable grace & reality. Infidelity is difficult to forgive – and that’s what is shown in the movie.

SRK hams, hams a lot as usual. His is a frustrated, cynical character. Though that is portrayed effectively, it could’ve been done much better.
The scene where all 4 meet at the ballet – SRK screws it with his blatant over acting. Abhishek’s Rishi says, “I told you he was on drugs.” I believe that he said it impulsively, it wasn’t in the script.
Also, when he proposes to Rani at the station, he’s vibrating!
He’s the biggest spoiler of the movie.

Rani does not have much to do. No great dialogues, but a large amount of screen time is devoted to her. It’s a role that could’ve been done by anyone. (I liked her in that corset & whip scene though – she manages to look sexy)

Preity – HOT, HOT, HOT. She looks the part, she acts the part. Very well acted. Looks as self confident as the character she plays. We are on her side when she says that she’s the man in the house, she doesn’t mind working hard & not giving enough time to her son just so that he can have the latest play station. A role she’s played to perfection. Btw, just loved the slap she gave SRK. Fantastic!

Abhishek has finally come into his own. Matches and outdoes more seasoned actors SRK & Rani in their scenes together. Portrays the right mixture of a child at heart & a sensitive son and husband. He calls his dad “Dude”. We call him Dude. We love him.

Rampal & John do cameos they would've died before doing in any other director's film. That's the power of Karan Johar. No one can say No.

Amitabh Bachchan – What do I say about the man? By far the best actor of the movie. By far. At 64, he plays his most rakish character yet. A character, actors/stars half his age could not do justice to. We would not accept or love any other veteran in this role. He’s the only one who can mouth the lines “imagine, a call girls calls YOU! A call girls calls you” & “Dude, any message for Mom?” (my personal favourite from the movie), with equal ease & credibility. He looks the part. He is Sexy Sam.

Btw, I strongly belive Mr. Bachchan can make a better DON at 64 than SRK at 41.

The script & dialogues are the real heroes of the film. Johar & his protégé Shibani Bathija have done a great job. Not all dialogues are OTT. Many reflect what could’ve actually happened.

“I am the man in the house. Why isn’t a MAN questioned when he works till late & does not give time to his child. Why is a woman expected to, even if she’s the only one earning in the house. I work hard so that I can provide my child with what a mere Football coach can’t”

I loved it. No other hindi film heroine has spoke to her husband, patidev like this before.

“Have you slept with him? How was it, huh? Did you enjoy it?” questions Abhishek to RAni when she discloses her affair.
I identify with it 100%. Couldn’t imagine how else he would’ve reacted. I would’ve reacted the same way, exactly.

“if you look for love, you’ll find it”, says SRK. It’s true. It’s all in the mind.
Rani does not love Abhishek because even before the marriage has happened, she says that maybe friendship has taken the place of love & love has no space to grow. She does not even try to look for love, hence does not find it in her marriage.

The main flaw, as people pointed out, in the script is the lack of reason for Rani to not love Abhishek. I have read quite a lot of interviews of Johar regarding this movie. In one, he admits that Abhishek had questioned him regarding the same thing. His answer was, “Sometimes, even perfect marriages fall apart, with seemingly no reason whatsoever. I just wanted to portray that in my film”
Works for me.

SRK – Preity track is very well defined. It reflects the male ego in its true form, and shows how men can’t deal with strong, individual & self sufficient women who just might be better than them at everything they do. Men want women to be lower than them, so that they feel secure & “manly”. So, SRK goes for Rani.

AB is a bed breaker, literally at times. But, we still love him. We like him when he says that he’s following his wife’s instructions to enjoy life to the fullest.

Music is bad except for the winner Mitwa. Btw, the tattoo on SRK’s forearm (definitely a comy of Beckham’s “Victoria”) is very wannabe-ish.

All said and done, it’s a movie that everyone must watch and try to grasp the basic premise without being lost in the frills packaging it.

I really feel that Dharma Productions pays for its character’s lives also. They are so rich. Rani lives alone and makes her house so decorated & beautiful by working as a kindergarten teacher? Yeah, right!

Arth is definitely the final say on infidelity, but Kank deserves a dekko.

2 of my closest friends asked me whether I will be able to forgive infidelity my partner.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Suddenly 22 & full of Questions

I feel OLD. I will be turning 22 in 3 months time, & believe me, I’m not liking one bit of it. I want to be stuck at 19 . . . ok, 20 at the most. 22 is too much.

Once you touch 20 and go beyond, things change. You have to make difficult career choices, decisions. You have to become more “responsible”, or at least act more “responsible”.

In my case, even though I refuse to grow up, the happenings around me make me feel grown up.

I recently went to a friend's place for Ganpati darshan. It is almost a yearly ritual. A young girl opened the door. ??!!?. He had no sisters !. Shit, it was the small kid they had kept at home to help in the household work & to educate her. But, the small kid was small no more. It was a girl almost touching puberty. I remember having seen her as a 2 foot toddler who was confused every time i called their place because i share my name with that friend. She was almost as tall as me, maybe a foot less. Boy, i was depressed. Seeing someone grow so much makes you feel soooo old .

There were 2 girls in the neighbourhood who shifted to the USA about 10 years back. I used tom play all day with them when they were here. The must've been 2 years old. Now they are back. And they don't recognise me! They are young, sprightly teenagers, & give me blank looks when i say that i had them in my arms, lifted them, gave them piggyback rides all over the house. I don't blame them. But, was it actually so many years back that they've forgotten. Were they so young as to not remember anything from that age. If they were so young at that time, imagine how i feel now. Old ? Hell Yeah !

Suddenly, I have to go for all the family functions as the “male representative” of the household (a role dad used to hate playing, and now I hate playing). And all family members can’t think of saying anything else but the following;

“Finished your CA? So, when are you taking over Dad’s practice huh? Time for him to retire & let his son do the work”

“Have you found a girl for yourself? Get married fast now, what are you waiting for?”

I have not finished my CA. Don’t wanna take over dad’s practice. Dad’s not going to retire for another 10 years – try saying this to him & you’ll know!

Marriage – too scared to even utter the word. Have I not anything better to do. ?!

Suddenly, it seems as if everyone around me has decided what to do in their lives.
One guy has joined an investment bank & plans to stay there for a decent amount of time.
Another is in the middle of his MBA & planning to join HDFC or Deutsche Bank. Yet another has started his IT consultancy along with another friend of his. Many of my friends have joined their dad’s business & doing well.

Me – in the middle of my professional course – a year away from completing it. I don’t know what to do after that. I am planning for an MBA, I don’t know in which field. I want to write a book, can’t settle on the story. I want to start a business of my own, can’t think of my product/service. I want to do something, just have to figure out what.

Suddenly, a close friend is getting married to his girlfriend/fiancée. At 22, for Christ’s sake! Im 22 & I haven’t planned my life beyond 15 days, and this guy has decided to spend his whole life (which at 22, is a long, long life ahead) with a certain someone. I mean, what’s the rush dude ?

Another friend is already married for 1 year. And to top it all off, a very close friend, married 3 years back (yeah, almost a child marriage) has just delivered a kid who will be 6 months old when I will be 22. I consider myself a kid, and at my age a friend is about to bring up a kid. Does she know what lies ahead? Is she mature enough? Is this what she always wanted in life? Did she have other dreams?
I don’t know & I think she doesn’t want to think about it. Life has been modeled for her by someone else, and she’s living it. It’s not HER life.
And so suddenly, I feel old. Can I be blamed? Can I be said to be paranoid?

I feel 22 from within. I went to my college festival, dancing with all 18-19 years around, & I didn’t feel different or grown up. I felt as if I belonged there.
Recently a building aunty asked me which college I was studying at. (God bless her soul)

So, why am I still feeling old? Why can’t I be a kid all my life?
I want to be footloose & fancy free. At 22, keeping in mind our society, can I ?

Or do I have to grow up?

Is what I am feeling perfectly normal, or stupid? You tell me !

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