Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Format : Bullets and Numbering

  • I have stopped making plans for outings with friends. It is much better than making plans and then cancelling.

  • Have become incredibly assertive at work . Am shooting off mails which rattle up people the way a rattlesnake in your soup would rattle you . Got into a sharp debate with my manager last week .Took apart an office boy who was taking his time checking if my courier had come in. Diving to a deeper level , I am tired of people walking all over me , and I am letting them know I don't like it . And bad news for them , I am liking letting them know .

  • I am transforming into a workaholic . The types who have their cars in the office parking lot when all the other ones have left, whose cabin lights are switched on when lights of the the whole bulding are off. Have worked on 10 out of the 20 weekends since November 2007 . Monday is no more a scary day . I send out office mails almost every Sunday . Two weeks ago , sent a mail to boss at 1.50 am . He stamped into my cabin next morning and insisted that I get a girlfriend. Not that I want to be on the cover of Time . But I like working .

  • I regret not helping a kid who wanted help with her school farewell speech . I said I will help out , then totally lost track of that . I have cancelled dinner with R atleast 6 times in the last 2 weeks. If they had a record for the number of promises broken , my picture would be in the Guiness Book . Front cover . Full color.

  • I love my family more than anything and will stab for them . A female at my office called me a mama's boy when she heard me saying "Will leave office in 10 minutes , ma" on phone . I said "Yeah , I am a mama's boy . I love my mom . And I totally understand it if people from your side of the world eat their mothers , but we dont .We love them all our lives." I actually said that . If you ever needed to understand what a stunned woman looks like , you should have been there .

  • Why does everybody in the conference room laugh when the big boss cracks an intended joke ? I did not find it funny . A funeral is more funny than his joke was . But the guy on my left slapped the table twice and roared . Another one could not stop giggling for a complete forty seconds . I mean , was it in the terms and agreement when they joined ?

  • Some time ago , a friend of mine , who seems to be a male from what I know of him , commented that I am a lovable person . I still have not decided if that is to be classified as a compliment or a gayish attempt at molestation .

  • I have started speaking like my boss. "I will only ask WHY ?" and "I don't care a Fuck" being my most used sentences with "I dont want to hear the process. Show me the result" coming a close second. Of course i get to hear them from my Boss atleast 3 times more than i speak them, but.... I dont care a Fuck !

  • 5 months in the new job. And I am almost into the habit of thinking in bullets . I think you have an idea of that.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

BABY !!!!

( translation - If I am not cute , you are Gulshan Grover)

For 95 minutes , a two year old pink bundle with hair as scarce as Bruce Willis' , teeth as few as my neighbour's granddad's , and a brain as immature as mine ,kept saying the line above ,and me , a 23 year old , with all my sinew and rugged looks (!!!) , kept chuckling like mickey mouse was tickling me on my bottoms.Watching "Baby's Day Out" just brought out the "mamta ka saagar" part of my personality again.

I really love babies.Every Homo sapien does.If you do not love babies , "ding dong ! MK Travel Services got a one way ticket to Pluto for you , at very reasonable rates now ! Please contact us , grab the ticket and go off to pluto to never come back , because someone who doesnt love babies doesnt deserve to be on earth.ding dong !."

You need to have a heart made out of melted iron pipes , to not love a little baby.The best thing about little babies is that everything is so little. Little fingers , little lips , little eyes , little toes , little feet , little ears.And they are not really thinking ahead.I really think that babysitters have the most pleasing job , right up there with that of Emraan Hashmi.In both cases , you get paid to play with semi naked and soft people.

My dad must have been born with a camera around his neck and a couple of kodak reels stuffed in his diapers.And the first words he said must have been "Say Cheese!".He just loved clicking pictures of I was a baby. Back at home , we have photo albums which would outweight the prime customer of your local weight reduction clinic.So I still get out one of those albums and spend hours poring over those baby photographs and wondering what comet hit this little cute cuddly baby in the picture to grow up into something like me.

But now that I have grown up , its like a "girly" thing to talk about babies.For the sake of protecting my claims to any kind of masculanity , I generally avoid talk about babies.Because when I dont avoid it , something like this follows :

Me ( excited voice ): Hey I love little babies , they are so cute !

Rahul ( 5'11" , unshaved , deep voice ) - Dude , you need to drink some buckets of testosterone soon.
Kaushik ( 5 ' 10" , bulging biceps , deepest voice ) - Dude, you remind me of my grandmother .

Varun ( 6' 02" , spiked hair , deeper voice ) - I think you love wearing pink frocks and read "cyndrilla" and sing "ring-a-ring-a-roses" too ?

Me ( low , subdued voice ) : I ..just like babies yaar..I am normal.

I know you would smirk and think - "He has just wiggled the little noses and tickled the little toes of babies belonging to aunts.Wait till some baby shits on his favorite blue corduroy trousers and pisses on his starched white shirt and wails like a puppy just when he has to watch a soccer game on the television".But with all due respect to babies of the world ,I claim that I can calm down any baby and make it smile before you can spell 'Hi'.And I dont even need cartoon network or stuffed toys for that. Handsome ( with just a little plastic surgery to do ) , educated , baby calming capability , intelligent ( serious allegations against this one )..what more can any girl desire in a man ?

And there are only two things that make me even think of marriage.First ,a rich father-in-law.Second , the thought of watching a little baby grow up.

Last month , I was vehemantly arguing with mom and claiming that marriages got popular because gas chambers went out of fashion.

Me ( to ma ) - Marriage !! A monkey has to come out of my ear before I even think of marriage.

I walk upto the television , watch "amazing baby videos" on discovery , get all senti senti over little babies and hence marriage and walk back to mom.*

Me ( to ma ) - Ma , have you seen a big brown monkey with a pink face and a fuzzy tail around this place ? Let me know if you spot it.It ran off right after It came out of my ear."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

IPL - Will it or Wont it

The auction is over, players have got their moolah, team names have been announced, logistics are in place, ticket sales will start soon and on April 18th 2008, we shall witness the first edition of the Indian Premier League, or should I say THE DLF INDIAN PREMIER LEAGUE.

Millionaires have been made in exchange of 44 days of games.

BCCI is the biggest winner, hands down. The players have benefited too. The buying teams – well, they believe they will recover their “investments” within a couple of years.

All’s well that ends well.

For us viewers, most of us are all excited for this BIG T20 tournament to begin and can’t wait till 18th April. We believe it’s going to be one cracker of a championship. There seems no reason to believe it won’t work – after all, the T20 world cup was a smash hit, and what’s more – India won that.

But there is one small glitch. WHO WILL YOU SUPPORT ?

To enjoy any sport, I believe & correct me if I am wrong, you need to support a player / team, you need to take sides. There will be very few people who watch a sport just to see a nice game / match / race etc. Most of us would want a Nadal to defeat a Federer, a ManU to defeat a Chelsea, a Hamilton to outrace an Alonso and an India to defeat a Pakistan.

Cricket, unlike football has traditionally been a “country vs. country” sport. We support a team – we support a nation. In Football, national games are much less watched as compared to club matches. So a ManU or a Barca will have more loyalty than a England or Brazil. Not so in cricket. Not till now.

I am a Mumbaikar, so logically, I would support the Mumbai Indians in the IPL. But in a match against the Kolkata Knight riders, when Ishant bowls to Sachin – who would I cheer for ?

When a R.P. Singh (Hyderabad) bowls to Dada (Kolkata), would I want dada to hit him for a six or RP to get him out.

When Sree Santh gets Dhoni out, will I be happy or sad ?

When Ponting helps Dada’s team win against Dravid’s, will I be happy ? For that matter, will Dada be happy ?

I won’t enjoy the cricket. I am not a “Mumbai Indian”, nor a “Kolkata Knight Rider” supporter. I just support the Men in Blue. What about you ?

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