Wednesday, April 29, 2009

One of the mistakes of my Life ??

Whenever I tell people I’m in the internal audit department in a bank, they always react the same way: “Oh boy! That sounds tremendously boring!” And I tell them they’re right. It is all of that, except I prefer to describe it the way I do on my resume – challenging. On a typical office day, I’m sitting at my desk, in my cubicle, staring intently at my monitor and trying to solve important problems, such as: “Is that really the correct signature of the customer ? Has the branch done the signature verification? #$%@!” and “How the hell can I Australia in this PC cricket game?”

This is immensely challenging work, and I feel I’m grossly underpaid for doing it. Plus, with the Indian stock market behaving the way it has been this year, I really could use a little extra money. So I’ve decided to write a best-selling novel.

I’ve wanted to write a book ever since I was eleven, when I read Enid Blyton’s fantasy-stirring ‘The Far Faraway Tree’. However, I haven’t seriously considered it until now, mainly because, deep down, I’ve always known that I’d never be as good a writer as any of those women. But recently, after reading about how Chetan Bhagat’s books sell 10 gazillion copies every minute, I’ve realized that a chronic inability to write well, make sense and positively impact the emotions of your readers is no longer a road block to becoming a successful novelist.

My book will be targeted at the youth of India, because the old can’t read any more and the little ones prefer Nickelodeon. It’s titled ‘One Night @ The Staff Quarters, Who Not To Do at IIM’, and it’s guaranteed to sell at least 44 billion copies, because I’m hoping all the IIM alumni, current students and aspirants buy it. I never went to an IIM myself (although I tried thrice), but I don’t see how that makes a difference to anything. Tolkien never battled any Orcs.

I also realize that the key to the success of my novel is word-of-mouth publicity. I don’t know what that word is yet, but I’m desperately hoping to figure it out by the time I’m done. Here’s what I have so far:

Chapter One
Hi, my name is Roshan Mehra . I’m an average guy. Not mean, but average. I have no outstanding qualities whatsoever. I’m neither a complete loser like my best friend Jimmy Cliff nor an uber-cool stud with an attitude problem like my other best friend Jalaluddin Akbar. In short, like I said, I am average. The three of us are the best of friends and, by some weird coincidence, named after the lead male characters in the recent three Bollywood movies our author saw. All three of us are students at the greatest b-school in the world.

Now, the three of us will have some typical Indian Youth-y conversation.

Chapter Two

“Hi! Are you students here?” said the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was extremely pretty, and all three of us could immediately sense that she would be the lead female character in this novel.
“My name is Sophia,” she said.
I was in love. It felt like destiny that we should meet. I know I don’t know her all that well yet, but time is of the essence. There are only so many pages that can be printed for Rs. 95.
“Get inside the class! I’m your Management Accounting teacher,” she said, “and you have a surprise test right now.”
“Holy Cow!!” Akbar exclaimed, looking at me. “This is going to be a very big problem when you two have sex in Chapter 15!”

Chapter Seven

“This is incredible!!” exclaimed Jimmy. “I just cannot believe it! Just cannot!” he added, because most of India’s youth don’t know the meaning of ‘incredible’.
“What’s incredible?” asked Sophia. “The fact that in spite of being your teacher and possessing ravishing beauty, I still choose to always hang out with you idiots?”
“That’s a good point, but not what Jimmy was referring to,” said Akbar, because being best friends, the three of us always knew exactly what each other meant to say. It’s like an unspoken bond that goes unsaid.
“What is it, then?” asked Sophia, her beautiful face contorted with excitement and curiosity, which made her cuter in my hopelessly lovelorn eyes.
“The fact that after six inane chapters, people are still reading this piece of shit,” I completed.

Chapter Fifteen

“IT’S FINALLY HERE!!!” I yelled, “The part we’ve all been waiting for!! WOO HOO!!”
“You mean the part YOU have been waiting for?” said Jimmy, frowning at me with hatred, “We’re going to be stuck in our rooms, mugging for tomorrow’s mid-term.”
“Yeah, what do we have to gain from this chapter??” added Akbar, “we hardly even figure in it. It’s always only about you, Roshan, isn’t it?”
“Guys,” I paused for dramatic effect. “Is this the part in the story where tension drives us apart for a while?”
“My God, this book is lame…” said Jimmy.
Just then, the earthquake struck.

Chapter Sixteen

“That was too close for comfort!” remarked Sophia. “Fortunately, the quake didn’t prevent us from having sex.’”
“Yeah, and the Academic Block got destroyed too. So I won’t have my mid-terms tomorrow! This quake was a God send!!”
To my surprise, Sophia looked surprised, “Yeah, but what about Akbar? He was injured in the quake, wasn’t he? Aren’t you worried about him?”
“Not until the next chapter,” I replied.

Chapter Eighteen

Now that the sex was over, I missed my two best friends. And when I found out, from other people, that Akbar still hadn’t been discharged from the hospital, I started getting worried.
That’s all I have so far. I’m itching to finish it, but with no publishing advance in sight yet, I can only work part-time for the time being. And there is plenty of challenging work to be done in the office. The market may be up today, but Australia is not going to beat itself, you know.


Quotable Quotes

A civilisation is defined by what we forbid, more than what we permit – From the book Shantaram

No one & nothing could really hurt me. No one & nothing could make me happy. I was tough – which is probably the saddest thing you can say about a man - From the book Shantaram

Kumble to Sachin: “You had the challenge to prove everyone right & I had the challege to prove everyone wrong”

Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you were meant to be.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Harry Potter: What if.....

Welcome to this, the exclusive Special Features section for readers of the famous Harry Potter series of books. This section is composed of two parts - Deleted Scenes and Alternate Endings, and can be accessed by moving your eyes slowly across and down this page. I will not waste anymore of your time. Read on…
Deleted Scenes

Scene 1 (deleted by Censor Board)

Out in the dark corridor, Harry examined the Marauder’s Map to check if the coast was still clear. Yes, the dots belonging to Filch and Mrs Norris were safely in their office… nothing else seemed to be moving apart from Peeves, who was bouncing around the trophy room on the floor above… Harry had taken his first step back towards Gryffindor Tower, when something else caught his eye… something distinctly odd.
Peeves was not the only thing that was moving. A single dot was moving up and down in a room on the bottom right-hand corner – McGonagall’s Office. But the dot wasn’t labeled ‘Minerva McGonagall’… it was Albus Dumbledore.
Harry stared at the dot. What was Dumbledore doing in McGonagall’s office at one o’clock in the morning? Harry watched closely as the dot moved up and down, first slowly and then rapidly gaining speed. And then it stopped. It slowly moved to one side and then suddenly there were two dots in the room. The other one had been directly below the first one, hidden from view. The bile rising to his throat, Harry read the label beneath the new dot…. ‘Minerva McGonagall’, it said.
“Ewwwwww….” said Harry, and puked all over his invisibility cloak.

Scene 2 (deleted because of copyright violation)

Only one pair was still battling it, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix’s jet of red light: he was laughing at her.
“Come on, you can do better than that!” he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.
The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.
The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock.
Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather’s once-handsome face as he fell and rushed towards him. Cradling him in his arms, Harry yelled, “SIRIUS! SIRIUS! COME BACK, SIRIUS! SIRIUS…”
Sirius had a wry smile on his face. With the last ounce of life he had remaining in him, he opened his mouth to speak... “Kuch Kuch Hota hai, Tum nahi samjhoge”, he whispered, into Harry’s ear. And then, he died.

Scene 3 (deleted by Censor Board)

Seamus and Dean, who were working nearby, sniggered loudly, though not loudly enough to mask the excited squeals from Lavender Brown – “Oh, Professor, look! I think I’ve got an unaspected planet! Oooh, which one’s that, Professor?”
“It is Uranus, my dear,’ said professor Trelawney, peering down at the chart.
“Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?” said Ron.
Lavender smiled shyly, and nodded. “Later...” she whispered.

Scene 4 (deleted because of copyright violation)

Harry stared into the face that had haunted his dreams for three years. Whiter than a skull, with wide, livid scarlet eyes, and a nose that was as flat as a snake’s, with slits for nostrils… Lord Voldemort looked back at him, a cruel smile twisting his face.
“You stand, Harry Potter, upon the remains of my late father,” he hissed softly. “A muggle and a fool… very much like your dear mother. But they both had their uses, did they not?”
Harry was enraged, “What the hell do you mean? How was my mother useful to you?”
“Aaaah Lily…,” Lord Voldemort sighed, “there’s a lot you don’t know, Harry.”
Harry was puzzled now. Was he trying to confuse him and weaken his defenses?
Voldemort went on, “Haven’t you ever wondered, Harry, how you could speak parseltongue when both your parents couldn’t?
“Yeah,” Harry replied, “Dumbledore told me. It was because you transferred some of your powers to me when you tried to kill me as a child.”
“And you actually bought that crock of shit?” asked Voldemort, with a smirk on his face, “I’m disappointed with you, Harry. Dumbledore was just trying to foolishly shield you with a lie. That is not the truth.”
Harry hesitated, thinking… and then finally spoke, “Then what is?” he asked, with a slight tremor in his voice.
“Harry,” said Lord Voldemort, “I am your father.”

Scene 5 (deleted by author)

Harry stared into the face that had haunted his dreams for three years. Whiter than a skull, with wide, livid scarlet eyes, and a nose that was as flat as a snake’s, with slits for nostrils…
“CHO…” he cried, “What happened to you?”

Alternate Endings

Alternate Ending 1

Harry lay flat on his back, breathing steadily as Dr. Jones removed the last layer of bandage from his head and looked at the results carefully. With a satisfied expression on his face, he said, “There you go, Mr. Potter, the plastic surgery has been successful. You can leave the hospital anytime you want now.”
Harry ran his right hand over where his scar had once been, and with his left, reached for his glasses. He turned on the lamp beside him and peered into the mirror by his dressing table. An African American boy looked back at him, his bright green eyes puzzled under his short curly hair. And most importantly, his forehead was completely smooth. No lightning-bolt scar. He was a whole new man now.

Alternate Ending 2

Harry ran into Dr. Smith’s office, clutching his forehead just as another patient was leaving. “Where’s my wand?” he screamed, “Where the hell is my wand?”
Dr. Smith looked at Harry, a heartbroken expression on his face. “It kills me to have to tell you this again Harry, but it’s my duty to do it.”
“Save it for later, doc. Right now, just get me my wand. Ron and Hermione are in deep trouble. They’ve been captured by Lord Voldemort. I HAVE TO RESCUE THEM! WHERE IS MY WAND??!
“There is no wand, Harry.” said Dr. Smith slowly, “There never was. It's just a part of this fantasy world your mind created to cope with your parents’ death in that road accident...”
Harry looked stunned. His mind refused to believe it. “No… he finally said, “You’re just messing with me… aren’t you?”
Dr. Smith shook his head. “Think about it, Harry,” he implored, “You've invented a world that doesn't exist. Magic, Wizards, Muggles, Hogwarts, Quidditch… Don’t you see how stupid all this sounds? They’re all just figments of your imagination… You’re a patient here at a mental institution and the Dursleys have been paying for your treatment all these years…”
Harry’s world was spinning all around him. It couldn’t be…


Quotable Quotes

The important thing is – How much you do with what you know

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable man persists in adapting the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

If I could give you one thing, I would give you the ability to see yourself as others see you – then you would realize what a truly special person you are.

I do not know with what weapons WW III will be fought, but WW IV will be fought with sticks & stones.

A kiss is something you cannot give without taking & cannot take without giving.

Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing. It requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Conversations - 1

This is something new that im trying. Try not to hate it
Wednesday, 3 p.m.
Him: hey
Her: (upset) hmm
Him: im sorry I could not come by your office for lunch. Urgent meeting got scheduled las minute
Her: yeah, I guess I was wrong to assume that now we could spend more time together since our offices were near one another
Him: yeah me too.. I hope I can make it up to you
Her: hmm.. ok
Him: I know u r upset. Hey – have you had lunch yet ?
Her: naah, don’t feel hungry
Him: but im famished. Lets have lunch together.
Her: but, now I cant move out of office for long
Him: You don’t have to. Open your dabba on your desk.i ll do the same
Her: (smiles). Ok.
Him: so, wat ve u got ?
Her: yest night’s pav bhaji.. yumm
Him: I got boiled potatoes & lettuce salad.. my mom makes the best diet food.. the best food.
Her: (sarcastic) yeah yeah.. im sure
Him: (chuckling) arre, wats bothering you in it ?
Her: (little angry) nothing. Let it be.
Him: So, hows Akshay doing ?
Her: why ?
Him: Arre, I obviously will ask you about the guy who completely dotes on you and unabashedly flirts with you in office
Her: (smiling coyly) You know that’s not true…
Him: Oh, c’mon. But, I would not blame him – you are quite sexy, u know. I am completely fida over you..
Her: Yeah yeah… pull my leg more…
Him: How do I convince you that im serious..
Her: (laughing) I ll never believe you.
Him: My bad luck, I guess.. anyways, how’s your work day looking like ?
Her: its hectic yaar. Have a presentation to submit at 6 – im sure it ll take til 8 to get finalised
Him: bad. Im planning to leave by 7.
Her: good for you. Im almost done with lunch
Him: u eat quite fast. Wait na thoda.
Her: yeah, sure… but I don’t have much time, ok
Him: don’t be rude. I said im sorry for ditching you
Her: so, u wanna make up for it
Him: definitely. Anything to get you to smile
Her: well then – u cook for me tonight
Him: Nooooo. Anything but that. Im tired yaar
Her: no way. U said u ll do anything !
Him: and tonight’s my night to stay up and change Gautam’s diapers too
Her: too bad mister.
Him: you drive a hard bargain Mrs.Kumar
Her: I sure do. That’s what you get for standing me up after promising lunch, Mr.Kumar
Him: Ah well, I ll make you your fave dish – pasta with mushrooms. See you at home sweetheart
Her: Thanks Honey. Looking fwd to it !


How to tie a TIE: A simple 7 step process.

Step 1: Put the tie around your neck with the narrow end on the right and the broad end on the left.

Step 2: Take the broad end and turn it to the right and then take it behind and then bring it back to the front from behind the narrow end.

Step 3: Now take the broad end again, this time from the left to the right and then, after faking a left, take it behind and bring it forward so that it is facing the north. Now reverse it, bring it down.

Step 4: For the third time, catch hold of the broad end and take it behind. Now the enemy is expecting a forward motion like the first two times but this time, you’re going to fool it by taking the broad end behind and then bring it down from behind, using a clever, highly skilled maneuver, to the front through the hole which has suddenly appeared magically as if out of nowhere.

Step 5: Something resembling a knot has appeared under your collar. You gently tug at the narrow end of the tie, which is now behind the broad end hiding from the bullies, until the knot feels nice and tight.

Step 6: The knot keeps on tightening. Realising that you’re suffocating, you pull at the knot, trying to undo it but some extra-terrestrial force of attraction has made the knot freakishly strong. You watch in the mirror as your face turns a deep blue. In your panic, you try harder to undo the knot, but all your efforts are in vain.

Step 7: Die


Quotable Quotes

Life is short – break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably. And never regret something that made you smile once

If it’s a good idea, go ahead & do it. It is much easier to apologize than to take/get permission.

Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

A sailor without destination cannot hope for a favourable wind.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

CAT got my tongue !

I have decided not to take the CAT exam ever again. I had given away most of my study material some time back. I just had a couple of important books and some notes left, which I finally decided to give away to other hopefuls. I could not help but glance through the book once

A few minutes into the Arithmetic and Algebra module, I realised that the most CAT questions had formulae you could apply in order to get the correct answer. There was no creative thinking involved whatsoever. So, for anybody who cares, here's what I think CAT questions should really be like...

(Please note that these are all actual questions taken from my book and twisted around conveniently in order to make my point.)

If 15 men working for 15 hours a day can do a piece of work in 24 days and 17 women working for 12 hours a day can do the same piece of work in 29 days, then how many days will it take 16 eunuchs working at 13 hours a day to complete the work?

In the Annual General Body meeting of the Rotary Club, a chairman is to be selected for which A and B are the only candidates. They each introduced themselves and a round of election was held. After this, each of them gave another speech on their policy and workplan for the coming year after which another round of election was held. The number of votes not cast for A increased by 25% in the second round over those not cast for him in the first and because of this negative swing, A lost the second round to B by twice as many votes as that by which he had won in the first round. Calculate, upto two decimal places, just how jobless the Rotary Club is.

The population of rats in a locality X increases by 20% in one year. Observing this, the pest control committee decided to use a special kind of pesticide 'ABC'* which effectively kills 160 rats in 3 months. If the intitial population of rats was 4800, why didn't the committee just call the Pied Piper?

I have a certain number of marbles to divide equally among 18 boys. If I divide them in such a way that each boy gets a number of marbles that is equal to his father's age after the mother's age has been deducted from it, then how certain is it that I have lost my marbles?

A man is 6 times as old as his son. 2 years hence, he will be 5 times as old as his son. In inches, exactly how wide is the generation gap between them?

A man buys two horses for Rs.86. By selling one for three-quarters of its cost price, and the other for four-thirds of its cost price, he makes a profit of Rs.3 on the whole transaction. Just how lame are these horses?

On an average, my income for 15 days was Rs.7, the avarage for the first 5 days was Rs.6 and the average for the last 9 days was Rs.8. Do you think I would do better if I quit and went to work as a knife-thrower's assistant?

69 dogs escaped from the pound. Out of these, 27 were Alsatians, 17 Daschunds and 25 Dobermans. A daschund can crawl 5 metres in 1 minute while an Alsatian can run 10 metres in the same time. However, the Doberman is the fastest as it can travel 20 metres in the same 1 minute. If all 69 dogs escaped from the front gate, then who let the dogs out?

Hari has a piece of cake 60 cm long. He first gives Raja half of it. He then gives Gopal 1/4th of what is left. After giving a piece to Sahil, he is left with 1/10th of the original. How high are Hari's chances of getting into Mensa?

A truck was being driven in a fog at a speed of 100 km/hr. A man was walking at 3km/hr in the opposite direction. After 4 minutes, the truck hit the man and killed him instaneously. After the incident, the truck was driven through the fog at a speed of 120 km/hr. Did anybody get the number of that truck?

Akash has with him a total of 29 rupees in 5 rupee and 2-rupee denominations. The number of 5-rupee notes is one half of one less than the number of 2-rupee notes. exactly how low are Akash's chances of landing a really hot girlfriend?

Three people A, B and C weigh themselves in a particular order. First A, B, C weigh themselves individually and then AB, BC, CA and ABC together respectively. The recorded weight for the last measure is 180 kgs. Are A, B and C members of the Rotary Club?

Hope you did well on that test! Leave your answers in the comments section. I will evaluate them and put up your All-India ranking right here as soon as I can. Cheers till then!

*Name changed to protect the identity of The Coca-Cola Company.

Celeb Sightings
At a local multiplex - Manoj Bajpai & Neha. i think the movie was gulaal. Also saw Gaurav Chopra (TV Actor, Narayani Shastri's ex) with 3 hot chicks, 2 in micro mini skirts. This was during a late night show of Revolutionary Road

Aroona Irani at Lokhandwala Yokos

As you can see - the quality in this section is going downhill !

Quotable Quotes

A word of praise during failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success

A person is limited only by the thought he/she chooses to think.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship & it is by far the best ending for one.

Somebody has to do something, and it’s just incredibly pathetic that it has to be me.

Sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind. The race is long and, in the end, with yourself.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Citizen Pain !!

I'm really notorious for my PJs and random funny comments. Most of my jokes don't make sense, they have utterly no significance and naturally, hardly anybody laughs for them. Anyway, another related thing I'm known for is being a pest. I can really irritate the hell out of anybody if I feel like and I thought that it was finally time that I shared my expertise with all the wannabe pests reading this blog. So here's a list of stuff that you could do in order to make a person want to slap the life out of you.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE or only type in lower case dont use any punctuation either

Tell them the endings to suspense movies & novels. Yup, Brad Pitt is just an illusion in Fight Club.

Finish their unsolved crossword puzzles by writing A in all the empty squares.

Borrow pens and then chew on them!

Step on the back of the shoe of the person walking in front of you.

Say, "Do you know what?" and then "Never mind, forget it!" (Actually, many girls I know do this regularly)

Ask people what gender they are.

Holler random numbers while someone's counting.

Call someone and go, "Oh...Er... you?, sorry, I meant to call someone else!". Then, call them again. And twice more.

Send them a link to this page.


Everyone has read tons of "lightbulb" jokes over the years - here are some of my favourites

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, thats a hardware problem!

How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

And, to end it - one of my own

How many of the cast of any Ekta Kapoor TV show does it take to change a light bulb?

The kid in the show will be afraid to enter a bathroom because it is dark. He will tell his aunt about the problem and she, in turn, will tell her brother-in-law to check it out. The brother-in-law, after looking, will deduce that the light bulb has, in fact, burnt out and will send the servant-man out to buy a new one.

(commercial break)

The servant will return to the house with the new bulb and be met at the doorway by the mother-in-law, who wil create a ruckus about how ten rupees were spent without her permission. The entire family joins in and a huge quarrel ensues. At the end of it all, most of the womenfolk are in tears.

(commercial break)

The mood is one of reconciliation. The mother-in-law apologises to her daughter-in-law for being so rude and just generally, everyone hugs one another. Then suddenly, all of them wrinkle up their faces and sniff wih disgust. The poor kid had peed in his pants. Remembering the original problem, the kid's father goes into the dark bathroom to change the bulb. Unable to see, he slips and falls....

(to be continued)


A few Quatable Quotes from my collection:

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Make your own recovery the first priority of your life.

It’s not that I’m so smart. It’s just that I stay with the problems longer – Albert Einstein

Revenge is the most sincere form of forgiveness

Absence is to love what wind is to fire – it extinguishes the small – it enkindles the great

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