Thursday, May 28, 2009

101 - Unfinished Beginnings & A Fresh Start

This is my 101st post !!! yay …. Congratulations to me !!

I was wondering for the longest time what exactly to write in this post – should it be specifically dedicated to completing 100 posts or should it be a regular post of mine, with no mention of the completion of 100 posts. And, if it has to be a regular post – what exactly do I write. Considering that I ve been very frequently blogging the last few months, I was going through a mini blogger’s block !

And then I decided upon what to write.

Unfinished Beginnings

Many a time, I begin writing something, but it loses steam midway. If I still think its worth keeping, I don’t delete it. Sometimes I manage to make a full post out of them, sometimes they just stay in my pc unfinished. Here, I ll post all those unfinished beginnings…….

1.Sometime in 2007
The internet is a major obstacle to what I need in order to come up with a post, namely a couple of hours of peace and quiet. And this just cannot happen if GTalk is buzzing with pings and someone constantly writes on your wall, or someone compared you to their friends and decided you have less mother potential. This is why Shakespeare was so successful. Seriously, if you think about it, all the great writers were around only when there was no Internet. Then the 90s arrived, the World Wide Web was invented, and BAM! We’re left with Chetan Bhagat.

Nevertheless, every now and then, there’s something I see or hear that I just HAVE TO blog about, and so I shut out all connectivity with the rest of the world and sit down to type. Like, for example, the end of 2007. I felt I just had to write a year summary and so, I started typing, “By most accounts, 2007 was a fascinating year. These accounts are, to use the correct technical term, wrong. Schoolboys of the future, when they read about 2007 in their history books, will regard it with a great deal of affection, because it will be the shortest chapter. And also because it will feature pictures of Britney Spears without her underwear.”

2.A Few Questions

What the hell am I doing here!???
Where am I going with my life!?!
Am I the only one without a life?
Am I the only one who is not getting married?
Can I be in love with two people at once?
Am I the only one who does not know what the f*** they talk about at work??
When is Friday coming along?
Do I really HAVE to work out?
Has my life come to such a point that THIS is what I'm thinking of?
Does there have to be a Monday after a Sunday?
Who says Harry Potter is for kids??
When is the next free breakfast/lunch/anything...?
Will I get up in time for work?
When do I get to have sex??
Am I losing a day of my life each day that I work?
Have the rules of courtship changed?
Have I aged instantaneously??
If I walk in a Hawaii shirt will people stare?
How much time before I understand something?
How much time to go for 6:30 ?
How much time before I hit the ill fated 30's?
What's the time!???
How many weeks before I have some real plans for the weekend?
Has life in the 20's lost its glamour?
Is this who I really am?

3.Random Stuff
Since the beginning of time, Mankind has always had a tremendous fascination for balls. They just can’t seem to leave them alone, or let them be, so to speak. They feel the need to constantly play with them, scratch at them, rub them or just plain hold them. Womankind also is known to perform all of these activities, but less frequently and only during particularly intimate moments. Mankind, on the other hand, shamelessly does it whenever the opportunity presents itself. At work, at play, at weddings, at funerals, you name the place and Mankind will be there, scratching.

4.An Unfinished Poem

I know you do not drink you morning tea with me anymore,
Why then do I still search for the tea stains of your mug on my floor ?

I know you do not talk with me anymore,
When then do I still wait for your replies to my questions galore ?

I know you do not ring my doorbell anymore,
Why then, everytime it rings, do I feel its you and always you at the door ?

We have not walked together in a long time,
Why then, at each step I take, do I feel your fingers entwined in mine ?

A Fresh Start

Ok – so that’s done. That’s all I had .

There’s a new blog – Straight From the Heart that a friend of mine n I have started. It will feature stories, snippets, poetries, shayries and other things of that sort.

Please read it regularly & comment on it more often than you do here !


Celeb Sightings - Dedicated, as always, to Chili

Anu Malik (or Aannu Mallik, however it is spelt): He was at Mangi Ferra, Juhu for a "Entertainment ke liye kuch bhi Karega" First show party
There were many other TV actors who i did not recognise.

Ayaan Ali Bangash: Again at Mangi Ferra for dinner

Rajeev Masand: My fave movie critic - saw him outside Famous Studios, where my office is.


Quotable Quotes

You talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do.

The greatest conflicts are not between 2 people, but between one person and himself.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are either being constantly proven right or being pleasantly surprised.

For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these – “it might have been”

Monday, May 18, 2009

Conversations - 2

Tired and sweaty after a long session, the two of us lay on the terrace in a post-coital embrace. It was a clear night and we soon lied next to each other, looking up, both of us with a joint lit in our hand and staring at the sky. She suddenly broke the silence.

“People become stars when they die…”

I looked at her as her face reflected the orange glow of the lit joint. ‘Where did that come from?’ I thought. I figured being high on weed makes you philosophical so I put in my own two cents.

“They go to Heaven. The bad ones go to Hell.”

A trail of smoke emerged from my lips as I spoke and danced in the air, reaching for the stars.

“Who’s a good person and who’s a bad person?” she asked, her voice husky due to the weed, never taking her eyes off the stars.

I looked at her again. ‘Nope. She isn't kidding around.’ I thought. She was expecting an answer.

“Good people are good people and bad people are bad people…” That was all I could think of saying. “…you know what I mean?”

“I don’t.” she replied and took a deep breath. She really was high.

“Umm…good people are the ones who have done good deeds and bad people are the ones who have done bad deeds.” I explained and took a last long drag hoping the explanation was good enough.

“What is a good deed and what is a bad deed?”

“Can you stop the crap now? You are ruining the trip.” I said wiping off the sweat on my forehead and started rolling another joint.

She completely ignored my request. “Is smoking weed or having sex or fighting a sin?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So we are going to Hell?”

I kept quiet. She looked at me. I looked back. Then she went back to staring at the stars. My silence must have told her I didn’t have an answer. She was quiet for a while. Just when I thought the conversation was finally over, she spoke again.

“If I kill a man and I know I’m not wrong, then I’m right. I haven’t done a bad deed.” She paused to look if I was listening, then to her finished joint which she replaced with a new one and took a deep drag.

“…and if I haven’t done a bad deed then it has to be a good deed. I think smoking weed isn’t a bad deed either…”

She paused for a few seconds and looked at me smoking. It seemed as if she wanted me to somehow acknowledge what she said. I was thinking about it anyway.

She continued. “…so that means there is no such thing as a bad deed. Then there is no one who goes to Hell. If everything is a good deed then everyone goes to Heaven. That means we are living in Hell.”

The fact struck me hard as if someone had punched me in the stomach. It was the deepest thing I had ever heard. ‘Fuck, I am in Hell smoking weed and going to Heaven for that.’ I thought.

“Okay. So you kill a man and you think it is right. So it is a good deed and you go to Heaven. This place is Hell, and everyone goes to Heaven. Agreed? But what happens if you feel guilty?”

The question made sense, I could make out by her expression. She twitched her eyes a little, then frowned. The question bothered her but only for a few seconds and then she looked up at the sky again, smiling.

“I think feeling guilty is a good deed.”

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Animal Kingdom

Recently I was wondering about the troubles of this world – aboutArun Lal, Prakash Karat, Uday Chopra, the Indian Idol contestants & Channel V VJs who commentate at IPL etc. when I realized that I knew so very little about the fascinating animal kingdom. So, in an effort to correct this, I decided to quickly brush up on my wildlife fundamentals.

And that’s when I realized that learning about animals is very difficult. Everybody who knows anything about the subject, like Maneka Gandhi, is an insufferable bore. This means that we are forced to turn to the National Geographic magazine, which, in order to increase circulation among perverted science geeks, now only publishes articles involving primitive tribes in South America who don’t wear any clothes. Seriously, they even have a ‘National Geographic TribesBabe of the Month’ feature (“In this month's issue: A stunner from the Kojoca tribe of Colombia goes fruit plucking in the forest while the Kojoca men pound their roots - page 43.”) and are currently discussing plans to come out with a desktop calendar.

Anyway, getting back to the point, I bet not too many of you know that it was a guy named Carolus Linnaeus who first classified animals into categories? Yes, it’s true. In Linnaeus' original scheme, the animals were divided into three kingdoms – Maurya, Chola and Rashtrakuta, and a number of classes – ‘cuddly’, ‘gross’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘edible’ which was further divided into the sub-classes ‘undercooked’, ‘rare’, ‘overdone’ and ‘burnt’. Because of the laziness of the scientists who followed Linnaeus, the number of classes have remained the same, except for one incident in 1953, when it was realised that microsopic intestinal blood-sucking parasites could not be classified under any of these heads. So they were separated and classified under a newly created class – ‘Indian Parliament’.

Among human beings, children are the ones who’re most interested in the animal kingdom. As any parent would be able to tell you, children are fascinated by any kind of animal. This is only because without animals, they wouldn’t have any funny cartoons to watch. When I was a kid, we once visited the zoo as a class excursion and I remember how we learnt so many interesting facts about animals that day, such as the fact that you have to take a deep breath and hold it in whenever you approach one of the cages because otherwise, you run the risk of suffering a coronary disorder as a result of the incredible stink emanating from it. The kids of today, on the other hand, don’t have that kind of learning opportunity because they go to amusement parks where, for a nominal entry fee of just Rs.5346, you get to experience amusing rides like the ‘Thunder’, which offers you the unparalleled thrill of throwing up violently on the person sitting a few rows ahead of you.

Anyway, considering this critical lack of wildlife information in the world today, I’ve decided to write a book (after my blockbuster 1st book – read previous blog) about the wonders of the animal kingdom, which, I hope, will help you make an informed decision during the general elections. And I’ve decided to offer all of you a sneak preview of this surefire bestseller. So, without further ado, let’s start off with...

The Aardvark (Firstus animalus) - a large mammal native to Africa, its only claim to fame is that it’s the first animal in the standard English Dictionary. Initially, this animal was called an Armadillo but later changed its name according to numerology, following which it has landed a role in Ekta Kapoor’s latest show. The Aardvark is the only surviving member of the family Orycteropodidae and of the order Tubulidentata. As a result of this, Aardvarks frequently suffer fatal brain haemorrhages while filling in their ration card application forms.

The Blue Whale (Marlon brandus) - Any numbskull who insists that swimming is a good form of exercise should take a good look at the Blue Whale, which is generally grey in colour. A marine mammal, it is most famous for being the correct answer to the quiz question “Which is the largest mammal in the world?” However, that is an urban legend and quite far from the truth. The largest mammal in the world is Bappi Lahri, who claimed the title after the untimely demise of actor Marlon Brando & the dramatic weight loss of Adnan Sami. Another notable characteristic of the whale is that it has an aperture called the ‘blowhole’ for breathing, and we’re sure, for other purposes when they’re feeling particularly kinky at night. The males of the species are known to spend to spend their time drinking beer and polishing their blowholes while the females spend most of their time in slimming health clinics.

The Giraffe (Longus neckus) is an exotic multi-talented creature that is famous for having an incredibly long neck. After spending many illustrious years in circuses and town fairs, the giraffe family‘s good name was tarnished when a young female giraffe’s honeymoon video got leaked on the internet and was even aired on the Discovery Channel. However, Hollywood movie makers were impressed and offered the young giraffe its first major movie breakthrough in the highly acclaimed 1974 classic ‘Deep Throat II: Whoooooosh… gulpp’, a film that is considered by critics to be the greatest achievement in bestiality since ‘Brokeback Mountain Goat’ and ‘Forest Hump’.

The Cow (Gau Maataus) – These creatures were originally classified by Carolus Linnaeus under ‘edible’, shortly before he was lynched to death by Hindu fundamentalist fanatics. Though revered and respected by a majority of the Indian population, the cow and its close relative Ox, are quite unpopular among second standard school students because of their irregular plural forms (though the plural of co is not “kine” anymore, it is “cows”). All members of the cow family are generally quiet, peaceful and underachieving except for the Bull, a famous basketball player from Chicago whose career came to an unfortunate end when the team changed to red uniforms and he fouled out after goring his own team mates. This was also the first known case of mad cow disease. Cows are also famous for their highly efficient stomach, which has four compartments (‘S1’, ‘S2’, ‘A1’ and ‘Tatkal’) which use the assembly line method to produce milk packets. These packets can be obtained for human consumption using the singing technique pioneered by Himesh in a number of films.

The Anaconda (Snakus constipatus) – These creatures, quite strangely, don’t have butts and this is the reason they look so constipated all the time. No one notices this, however, because anacondas don’t have faces either. Neither do they have arms, legs or any kind of reproductive organs. As a result, they’re sexually frustrated all the time and tend to hug anyone who dares to come near them. This has lead to a bad public image which wasn’t helped by the two supremely crappy movies were made using its name. Furthermore, due to the lack of butt, anacondas become larger as they age due to the interior accumulation of faeces. By the time they’re old, they’re so full of shit that young anacondas send them away to live in old age homes.

So, people, I have no doubt that you have now realized how diverse and interesting the animal world can be and I’m sure all of you are dying to find out more. Don’t fret, for my book will hit the stands soon. Till then, however, you can buy the latest issue of National Geographic Magazine, and turn to page 43.


Some Laws that i read on the web

Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Kin Hubbard’s law:
A good listener is usually thinking about something else

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