Animal Kingdom

Recently I was wondering about the troubles of this world – aboutArun Lal, Prakash Karat, Uday Chopra, the Indian Idol contestants & Channel V VJs who commentate at IPL etc. when I realized that I knew so very little about the fascinating animal kingdom. So, in an effort to correct this, I decided to quickly brush up on my wildlife fundamentals.

And that’s when I realized that learning about animals is very difficult. Everybody who knows anything about the subject, like Maneka Gandhi, is an insufferable bore. This means that we are forced to turn to the National Geographic magazine, which, in order to increase circulation among perverted science geeks, now only publishes articles involving primitive tribes in South America who don’t wear any clothes. Seriously, they even have a ‘National Geographic TribesBabe of the Month’ feature (“In this month's issue: A stunner from the Kojoca tribe of Colombia goes fruit plucking in the forest while the Kojoca men pound their roots - page 43.”) and are currently discussing plans to come out with a desktop calendar.

Anyway, getting back to the point, I bet not too many of you know that it was a guy named Carolus Linnaeus who first classified animals into categories? Yes, it’s true. In Linnaeus' original scheme, the animals were divided into three kingdoms – Maurya, Chola and Rashtrakuta, and a number of classes – ‘cuddly’, ‘gross’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘edible’ which was further divided into the sub-classes ‘undercooked’, ‘rare’, ‘overdone’ and ‘burnt’. Because of the laziness of the scientists who followed Linnaeus, the number of classes have remained the same, except for one incident in 1953, when it was realised that microsopic intestinal blood-sucking parasites could not be classified under any of these heads. So they were separated and classified under a newly created class – ‘Indian Parliament’.

Among human beings, children are the ones who’re most interested in the animal kingdom. As any parent would be able to tell you, children are fascinated by any kind of animal. This is only because without animals, they wouldn’t have any funny cartoons to watch. When I was a kid, we once visited the zoo as a class excursion and I remember how we learnt so many interesting facts about animals that day, such as the fact that you have to take a deep breath and hold it in whenever you approach one of the cages because otherwise, you run the risk of suffering a coronary disorder as a result of the incredible stink emanating from it. The kids of today, on the other hand, don’t have that kind of learning opportunity because they go to amusement parks where, for a nominal entry fee of just Rs.5346, you get to experience amusing rides like the ‘Thunder’, which offers you the unparalleled thrill of throwing up violently on the person sitting a few rows ahead of you.

Anyway, considering this critical lack of wildlife information in the world today, I’ve decided to write a book (after my blockbuster 1st book – read previous blog) about the wonders of the animal kingdom, which, I hope, will help you make an informed decision during the general elections. And I’ve decided to offer all of you a sneak preview of this surefire bestseller. So, without further ado, let’s start off with...


The Aardvark (Firstus animalus) - a large mammal native to Africa, its only claim to fame is that it’s the first animal in the standard English Dictionary. Initially, this animal was called an Armadillo but later changed its name according to numerology, following which it has landed a role in Ekta Kapoor’s latest show. The Aardvark is the only surviving member of the family Orycteropodidae and of the order Tubulidentata. As a result of this, Aardvarks frequently suffer fatal brain haemorrhages while filling in their ration card application forms.

The Blue Whale (Marlon brandus) - Any numbskull who insists that swimming is a good form of exercise should take a good look at the Blue Whale, which is generally grey in colour. A marine mammal, it is most famous for being the correct answer to the quiz question “Which is the largest mammal in the world?” However, that is an urban legend and quite far from the truth. The largest mammal in the world is Bappi Lahri, who claimed the title after the untimely demise of actor Marlon Brando & the dramatic weight loss of Adnan Sami. Another notable characteristic of the whale is that it has an aperture called the ‘blowhole’ for breathing, and we’re sure, for other purposes when they’re feeling particularly kinky at night. The males of the species are known to spend to spend their time drinking beer and polishing their blowholes while the females spend most of their time in slimming health clinics.

The Giraffe (Longus neckus) is an exotic multi-talented creature that is famous for having an incredibly long neck. After spending many illustrious years in circuses and town fairs, the giraffe family‘s good name was tarnished when a young female giraffe’s honeymoon video got leaked on the internet and was even aired on the Discovery Channel. However, Hollywood movie makers were impressed and offered the young giraffe its first major movie breakthrough in the highly acclaimed 1974 classic ‘Deep Throat II: Whoooooosh… gulpp’, a film that is considered by critics to be the greatest achievement in bestiality since ‘Brokeback Mountain Goat’ and ‘Forest Hump’.

The Cow (Gau Maataus) – These creatures were originally classified by Carolus Linnaeus under ‘edible’, shortly before he was lynched to death by Hindu fundamentalist fanatics. Though revered and respected by a majority of the Indian population, the cow and its close relative Ox, are quite unpopular among second standard school students because of their irregular plural forms (though the plural of co is not “kine” anymore, it is “cows”). All members of the cow family are generally quiet, peaceful and underachieving except for the Bull, a famous basketball player from Chicago whose career came to an unfortunate end when the team changed to red uniforms and he fouled out after goring his own team mates. This was also the first known case of mad cow disease. Cows are also famous for their highly efficient stomach, which has four compartments (‘S1’, ‘S2’, ‘A1’ and ‘Tatkal’) which use the assembly line method to produce milk packets. These packets can be obtained for human consumption using the singing technique pioneered by Himesh in a number of films.

The Anaconda (Snakus constipatus) – These creatures, quite strangely, don’t have butts and this is the reason they look so constipated all the time. No one notices this, however, because anacondas don’t have faces either. Neither do they have arms, legs or any kind of reproductive organs. As a result, they’re sexually frustrated all the time and tend to hug anyone who dares to come near them. This has lead to a bad public image which wasn’t helped by the two supremely crappy movies were made using its name. Furthermore, due to the lack of butt, anacondas become larger as they age due to the interior accumulation of faeces. By the time they’re old, they’re so full of shit that young anacondas send them away to live in old age homes.


So, people, I have no doubt that you have now realized how diverse and interesting the animal world can be and I’m sure all of you are dying to find out more. Don’t fret, for my book will hit the stands soon. Till then, however, you can buy the latest issue of National Geographic Magazine, and turn to page 43.


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Some Laws that i read on the web

Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Kin Hubbard’s law:
A good listener is usually thinking about something else