Once you touch 20 and go beyond, things change. You have to make difficult career choices, decisions. You have to become more “responsible”, or at least act more “responsible”.
In my case, even though I refuse to grow up, the happenings around me make me feel grown up.
I recently went to a friend's place for Ganpati darshan. It is almost a yearly ritual. A young girl opened the door. ??!!?. He had no sisters !. Shit, it was the small kid they had kept at home to help in the household work & to educate her. But, the small kid was small no more. It was a girl almost touching puberty. I remember having seen her as a 2 foot toddler who was confused every time i called their place because i share my name with that friend. She was almost as tall as me, maybe a foot less. Boy, i was depressed. Seeing someone grow so much makes you feel soooo old .
There were 2 girls in the neighbourhood who shifted to the USA about 10 years back. I used tom play all day with them when they were here. The must've been 2 years old. Now they are back. And they don't recognise me! They are young, sprightly teenagers, & give me blank looks when i say that i had them in my arms, lifted them, gave them piggyback rides all over the house. I don't blame them. But, was it actually so many years back that they've forgotten. Were they so young as to not remember anything from that age. If they were so young at that time, imagine how i feel now. Old ? Hell Yeah !
Suddenly, I have to go for all the family functions as the “male representative” of the household (a role dad used to hate playing, and now I hate playing). And all family members can’t think of saying anything else but the following;
“Finished your CA? So, when are you taking over Dad’s practice huh? Time for him to retire & let his son do the work”
“Have you found a girl for yourself? Get married fast now, what are you waiting for?”
I have not finished my CA. Don’t wanna take over dad’s practice. Dad’s not going to retire for another 10 years – try saying this to him & you’ll know!
Marriage – too scared to even utter the word. Have I not anything better to do. ?!
Suddenly, it seems as if everyone around me has decided what to do in their lives.
One guy has joined an investment bank & plans to stay there for a decent amount of time.
Another is in the middle of his MBA & planning to join HDFC or Deutsche Bank. Yet another has started his IT consultancy along with another friend of his. Many of my friends have joined their dad’s business & doing well.
Me – in the middle of my professional course – a year away from completing it. I don’t know what to do after that. I am planning for an MBA, I don’t know in which field. I want to write a book, can’t settle on the story. I want to start a business of my own, can’t think of my product/service. I want to do something, just have to figure out what.
Suddenly, a close friend is getting married to his girlfriend/fiancée. At 22, for Christ’s sake! Im 22 & I haven’t planned my life beyond 15 days, and this guy has decided to spend his whole life (which at 22, is a long, long life ahead) with a certain someone. I mean, what’s the rush dude ?
Another friend is already married for 1 year. And to top it all off, a very close friend, married 3 years back (yeah, almost a child marriage) has just delivered a kid who will be 6 months old when I will be 22. I consider myself a kid, and at my age a friend is about to bring up a kid. Does she know what lies ahead? Is she mature enough? Is this what she always wanted in life? Did she have other dreams?
I don’t know & I think she doesn’t want to think about it. Life has been modeled for her by someone else, and she’s living it. It’s not HER life.
And so suddenly, I feel old. Can I be blamed? Can I be said to be paranoid?
I feel 22 from within. I went to my college festival, dancing with all 18-19 years around, & I didn’t feel different or grown up. I felt as if I belonged there.
Recently a building aunty asked me which college I was studying at. (God bless her soul)
So, why am I still feeling old? Why can’t I be a kid all my life?
I want to be footloose & fancy free. At 22, keeping in mind our society, can I ?
Or do I have to grow up?
Is what I am feeling perfectly normal, or stupid? You tell me !
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